BeefJack | Call of Duty: Black Ops: The Short Script

Call of Duty: Black Ops: The Short Script

Joannes Truyens November 13, 2012 - 12:00 pm

Short Script: CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS II is now out in the open. That’s as good a time as any for Joannes Truyens to put on his snark hat and revisit its predecessor. Be sure to tune in next week to see how the sequel fares when subjected to the Short Script treatment!

FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – 1968

ALEX MASON is strapped to a CHAIR and is being INTERROGATED by UNSEEN PEOPLE. A bunch of MONITORS keep flashing a series of NUMBERS.

INTERROGATOR

Tell us about Red Faction, Mason! Oh wait, wrong file.

(beat)

The numbers, Mason! What do they mean?

ALEX MASON

I don’t know, I never watched Lost! Wait, did I just hear my own voice? And I can see myself on those monitors. Am I Sam Worthington?

INTERROGATOR

Yeah, it was a package deal. The developers could only get the motion capture and facial animation technology from Avatar if they signed him on as well.

ALEX MASON

The first Call Of Duty protagonist with an actual face and personality. It’s only fitting that I’m an arrogant dickwad. Kiss my ass, unseen people!

INTERROGATOR

We need to know what the numbers mean and where they’re being broadcast from! Prepare to be tortured by seizure-inducing mission briefings that’ll leave you unsure whether the game is having framerate issues or not.

ALEX MASON

Oh God no.

INTERROGATOR

And we’ll keep coming back to this interrogation scene, because it’s also a framing device so the developers can not only string the incredibly divergent missions together, but also cover for the parts they didn’t bother to write. Let’s start with Cuba.

CUT TO:

INT. CUBAN CAFE – 1961 WHOA

MASON is waiting in a CAFE with FRANK WOODS.

FRANK WOODS

Our mission is to assassinate Fidel Castro. Since he’s still alive today, you can safely assume it’ll all go spectacularly wrong.

SOLDIERS walk in and ask everyone for IDENTIFICATION, which is ALL THEY EVER DO IN MOVIES. MASON and WOODS kill them and get into a CAR.

ALEX MASON

Shit, there’s roadblocks everywhere! We’ll never make it!

FRANK WOODS

Try briefly flashing forward to when you’re being interrogated! Then we can use that to awkwardly skip ahead to our infiltration of Castro’s compound.

That HAPPENS.

INT. CASTRO’S COMPOUND – 1961

MASON and WOODS fight their way into CASTRO’S COMPOUND.

FRANK WOODS

Castro’s behind this door. Pull out the pistol you dropped seven rooms back and shoot him!

MASON kicks in the DOOR and SHOOTS CASTRO.

FRANK WOODS

Eat that, you godless commie! Now let’s escape.

During the ESCAPE, MASON is CAPTURED and brought to the REAL FIDEL CASTRO.

ALEX MASON

No, I killed you! The camera went to bullet time to explicitly show the impact! There was even a goddamn orchestral choir singing along to it!

FIDEL CASTRO

Was the guy you shot perpetually chewing on a cigar in a very stereotypical fashion like I am doing?

ALEX MASON

No, he was using a woman as a human shield.

FIDEL CASTRO

Ah, you shot Esteban, my double. He did like his human shields. Now I’m going to hand you over to scumbag asshole Nikita Dragovich, with whom I’ve forged an alliance.

ALEX MASON

Wait a second. The Cuban government is shitting blood over this fictional assassination attempt while a crapload of actual ones have been documented, but you working together with a Russian war criminal is alright?

NIKITA DRAGOVICH

That is indeed odd, especially given how over-the-top evil I am. Seriously, I’m even going to stretch out my lines and glare at you menacingly.

DRAGOVICH imprisons MASON in VORKUTA, a RUSSIAN GULAG.

INT. VORKUTA – 1963, I THINK

After a YEAR of IMPRISONMENT, MASON has befriended VIKTOR REZNOV.

VIKTOR REZNOV

I want to apologise in advance for my voice work. It’s Gary Oldman, and he’s apparently stuck on Air Force One.

(beat)

ONWARDS, MY BROTHERS! TO FREEDOM!

They start a PRISON BREAK.

VIKTOR REZNOV

NEVER FALTER! WE SHALL ESCAPE! OR DIE TRYING!

(beat)

Oh God, I’m so fucking sorry.

ALEX MASON

How are we going to get out of here?

VIKTOR REZNOV

I just watched The Last Castle and Terminator 2, so if we do everything from those two movies, we should be fine!

Once OUTSIDE, MASON jumps aboard the FREEDOM TRAIN.

ALEX MASON

Come on, Reznov!

VIKTOR REZNOV

No, my friend! I must remain behind! Our camaraderie is undermining the very essence of the Cold War!

INT. PENTAGON – YES, 1963

MASON is assigned to CIA AGENT JASON HUDSON, who takes him to the PENTAGON, which looks like the set of MAD MEN.

ALEX MASON

Were those actual cutscenes leading us into the Pentagon? And now I’m seeing split screens. Is all this even allowed in a Call Of Duty game?

JASON HUDSON

At least such explicit movie techniques don’t fool you into thinking there’s any kind of interactivity to this game, as opposed to all those “Press Use To Whatever” prompts. Anyways, meet the President.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

(Mayor Quimby impersonation)

Nice to meet you, Mr. Mason.

ALEX MASON

Holy fuck, the actual President! Why are they putting an obviously unstable guy like me in the same room with you? I’m hallucinating putting a gun to your head right now.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Don’t worry about it. This scene is already in such poor taste because of flashing images of Lee Harvey Oswald on the monitors behind me.

ALEX MASON

Never mind the fact that receiving my orders directly from the President completely defeats the purpose of black operations.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Please, I’m pretty sure most black operations don’t involve massive shootouts in public. So, your mission is to kill Dragovich. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shoot some zombies so that I may become an even bigger parody of myself.

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