Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 brings branching storylines, multiple endings, and horses to the popular franchise. In the end, that just means more work for Joannes Truyens as he lampoons yet another ridiculous military shooter.
INT. THE VAULT – 2025
A 95-YEAR OLD FRANK WOODS is visited by DAVID MASON and MIKE HARPER, who are both members of SEAL TEAM SIX.
Oh Christ, they couldn’t let me go out with some dignity, could they? I had such a nice heroic sacrificial death in Black Ops, and now instead I have joint pains when it’s humid and a bladder the size of a peanut.
Sorry, but we needed some way to introduce yet another flashback plot structure.
We’re looking for a terrorist named Raul Menendez, who I will now compare to Osama bin Laden for reasons that will become unfavourably ironic later on.
Tell us everything you know while we desperately try to ignore the old man smell.
Would you like me to retroactively insert a deniable American presence into a lot of historical skirmishes to justify the fact that we’re still calling this game “Black Ops”?
Please do. And if you could also occasionally emphasise the contrast between your analog past and our digital future, that’d be great.
EXT. ALASKA – 1986
ALEX MASON is teaching a young DAVID to NOT BE SUCH A GODDAMN PUSSY.
More teeth-gritting, David! Otherwise you’ll never grow up to be a soldier!
(under his breath)
I hate you.
No murmuring your lines! Either growl or shout them!
I’m just trying to work a broken family dynamic into the storyline.
Yeah, that’s worked out really well for military shooters in the very recent past.
CIA AGENT JASON HUDSON and OLIVER NORTH suddenly show up to DO THAT THING WHERE THEY PULL THE SELF-EXILED SOLDIER BACK OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR ONE LAST MISSION FOLLOWED BY SEVERAL MORE.
Holy shit, you’re the actual Oliver North.
Yeah, but it’s a good couple of months before my involvement in Contragate comes to light, so we’re good. Alex, we need your help. We’ve received word that Frank Woods went missing in Angola of all places.
Wait, I thought Woods got blown up by Kravchenko in the previous game?
If you had bothered to uncover the hidden intel files, you would’ve known that he survived.
I did, but that intel also mentioned that me and Hudson were disavowed and being hunted down by the CIA, so I figured we were insultingly disregarding all that.
We’re only disregarding that part. Oh, and also the part where you killed President Kennedy maybe.
That’s even worse, now you’re trying to respect the lore by picking and choosing from it. It sure doesn’t bode well that we’re building this fast and loose on top of a storyline that was already a jumbled mess to begin with.
Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s nothing else that will screw up the continuity. By the way, I’m voiced by Michael Keaton instead of Ed Harris now.
If only they’d changed my voice actor too. I really don’t think I’m supposed to be Australian.
ALEX and HUDSON head for ANGOLA, leaving DAVID to POUT.
EXT. ANGOLA – 1986
ALEX is introduced to ANGOLAN WARLORD JONAS SAVIMBI by watching A GUY BURN TO DEATH OH THE HORROR.
Holy shit, you’re the actual Jonas Savimbi. Are you included for the sake of being included as well?
No, I actually get to point you somewhere too! I’ll help you find Woods as soon as you help me out with some ethnic cleansing. If you want to know what side of this conflict you’re on, go check Wikipedia or something.
After killing a bunch of GODLESS COMMIES, ALEX is told that WOODS is being held on a BARGE. He and HUDSON go after it by HELICOPTER.
There’s the barge! Get ready, we’re about to be shot down obviously!
Has anyone ever actually managed to just land a helicopter in a Call Of Duty game?
They CRASH onto the BARGE and find an EMACIATED WOODS in a CONTAINER FULL OF BODIES.
Nooo, my manly pectorals have withered away! Those bastards will pay!
Alex, I’ve got Woods. You infiltrate the village up ahead and radio for evac. And if you see any child soldiers, be sure to express silent horror about it.
ALEX heads into the VILLAGE and enters a RADIO SHACK (NO, NOT THAT ONE), where he puts a gun to the OPERATOR’S HEAD.
Whoa, your face has a lot of polygons in it. I suppose that means you’re important to the plot. That, and the fact that I didn’t immediately garrote you, which is my usual modus operandi when sneaking up on radio operators.
I’m Raul Menendez and I basically am the plot. Half my backstory was already exposited in the movie that plays before the main menu opens.
Oh, I think I missed that. They really shouldn’t have made it part of the introductory logos. Everybody hammers away at the space bar to skip those.
After a brief STRUGGLE, ALEX shoots MENENDEZ in the FACE and heads back to HUDSON and WOODS.
I’m pretty sure none of what just happened will come back to bite me in the ass.
Let’s just make a run for the beach and hope that some deus ex machina will rescue us!
A RUSSIAN HIND piloted by JONAS SAVIMBI arrives.
Hah! They did find another use for me!
SAVIMBI extracts ALEX, WOODS and HUDSON.